Self Control = Diamonds

None of us want the world to get to the best of us. Some of us have lost hope. I've been victims of both. There was a time when I thought love was the end all be all. Finally I can have someone in my life that would appreciate, adore and understand me. But they made me feel like a basket of disposable items. My heart didn't matter, my thoughts didn't matter and the most harsh reality of all was that I didn't matter in any aspect except to hopefully be used by them if I had the proper resources. I felt dead, confused, bewildered and lost. I gave this person as much as I could of myself (my heart) without giving them anything tangible to confuse their initial interest in me. I will admit, I went a little crazy. Mentally I couldn't focus on anything, but the reasons why they never spoke to me again. I relinquished all of my strength trying to discover their true feelings for me since they kept insisting that they loved me, but was never around to express it. This was my first reciprocated love, so as any human can imagine (minus the android wannabes), I basically dropped out of the race of life. I gave up school, gave up on my dreams (kind of, not really, they weren't worth ALL that), gave up on my dignity, gave up on my good record of being drug free and a non smoker, increased my alcohol intake, thought about giving up the most sacred prize (my virginity)- almost did on some occassions, gave up on ever finding love, gave up on my relationships with the people I love, gave up on respecting myself (to a certain extent, I still knew my value, just didn't want to believe it), and lastly, I gave up on any hope of enjoying life freely and to the fullest. I gave up. And I suppose, looking back, all of those decisions were stupid. stupid, Stupid, STUPID! I hurt more people than I anticipated just because I lacked something I thought I had truly found... "Love".... Why did I need to be loved so much by this individual? They're human just like me, the only difference was that I was willing to give up my life for them and they didn't care one bit. But in so many ways, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I traded in sanity for no value. I traded in my value for nothing. I lost all "SELF CONTROL" for an empty exchange. And I must say, this journey has been tumultuous. It's affected the way I see the world when before, I was strong, and believed anything I set out to do can and will be accomplished. And it was being accomplished. I was on the verge of becoming the woman I knew I was deep down inside. But because somebody didn't appreciate it, I saw myself as nothing. So what does that mean? The woman I worked so hard to become + "someone I love that loves me back" = happiness. NO NO NO... I can't stop being me all of a sudden just because somebody doesn't appreciate me. This should have been a learning process for me, not a demolishing process. Whether they wanted me or not, I should have been intuitive enough to realize it and strong enough to accept it. Now, I have to start from the bottom up to rebuild my life. Don't give up all of your diamonds for rocks. Rocks get thrown, diamonds shine.