People can be cruel

Ouch!
I didn't mean to hurt you
Wow!
You don't surprise me
Ewww!
I just said I love you
Hmmm!
You don't mean much to me

I say what I think you will respond best to
because if I am nothing
then you will mean something
and to overt any feelings of attachment
I will say anything to make you cry.

I see the light

No darkness surrounds me.
I see the light.
No blank canvas before me
I can configure an artistic command
swiping my brush across the surface
I can deliver an undiscovered creation
The light is bright and boastful
proud and lively
drawing me away from heaviness
because the light represents lightness
a feather I can control the direction in which it falls
A truth I can accept
No darkness surrounds me
I can see the light.

Clean Slate New Day

Starting over. Something that requires true inner strength and ambition. 2/12/13 Tuesday 8:00am. The sunlight pierced through my eyelids like an intentional wake up call; almost as though I was being called to begin the beginnings of the rest of my life. I knew that if I continued lying down, I would slip back into an unworthy undesired comatose slumber. Something inside of me was driving me to lift my mind beaten, soul wretched, scorned heart body to life. My time of slumber was over. The only thought that was on my mind is to start! To believe! To endure! To become whole again; even more so. I am a clean slate because I am living in the now. My mind is not done thinking. Blood courses through my veins with a vengeance to remind me of my existence on this planet earth. Why waste another day? I'm not lazy. I was only broken. But now the pieces are coming together in my mind, to form a logical stance against inadequacy. This new found life. This unwavering truth. I begin my journey, with the sun on my side. Good morning world.  

Self Control = Diamonds

None of us want the world to get to the best of us. Some of us have lost hope. I've been victims of both. There was a time when I thought love was the end all be all. Finally I can have someone in my life that would appreciate, adore and understand me. But they made me feel like a basket of disposable items. My heart didn't matter, my thoughts didn't matter and the most harsh reality of all was that I didn't matter in any aspect except to hopefully be used by them if I had the proper resources. I felt dead, confused, bewildered and lost. I gave this person as much as I could of myself (my heart) without giving them anything tangible to confuse their initial interest in me. I will admit, I went a little crazy. Mentally I couldn't focus on anything, but the reasons why they never spoke to me again. I relinquished all of my strength trying to discover their true feelings for me since they kept insisting that they loved me, but was never around to express it. This was my first reciprocated love, so as any human can imagine (minus the android wannabes), I basically dropped out of the race of life. I gave up school, gave up on my dreams (kind of, not really, they weren't worth ALL that), gave up on my dignity, gave up on my good record of being drug free and a non smoker, increased my alcohol intake, thought about giving up the most sacred prize (my virginity)- almost did on some occassions, gave up on ever finding love, gave up on my relationships with the people I love, gave up on respecting myself (to a certain extent, I still knew my value, just didn't want to believe it), and lastly, I gave up on any hope of enjoying life freely and to the fullest. I gave up. And I suppose, looking back, all of those decisions were stupid. stupid, Stupid, STUPID! I hurt more people than I anticipated just because I lacked something I thought I had truly found... "Love".... Why did I need to be loved so much by this individual? They're human just like me, the only difference was that I was willing to give up my life for them and they didn't care one bit. But in so many ways, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I traded in sanity for no value. I traded in my value for nothing. I lost all "SELF CONTROL" for an empty exchange. And I must say, this journey has been tumultuous. It's affected the way I see the world when before, I was strong, and believed anything I set out to do can and will be accomplished. And it was being accomplished. I was on the verge of becoming the woman I knew I was deep down inside. But because somebody didn't appreciate it, I saw myself as nothing. So what does that mean? The woman I worked so hard to become + "someone I love that loves me back" = happiness. NO NO NO... I can't stop being me all of a sudden just because somebody doesn't appreciate me. This should have been a learning process for me, not a demolishing process. Whether they wanted me or not, I should have been intuitive enough to realize it and strong enough to accept it. Now, I have to start from the bottom up to rebuild my life. Don't give up all of your diamonds for rocks. Rocks get thrown, diamonds shine.

The Truth and its Perks

The truth hurts, but it buys you freedom. When you realize you don't have to dwell on something that once left a void, lacking understanding and just a simple answer. The strength you gain from such a discovery helps you to be one step closer to the you that is able to repeal any disgusting lie because you've given into the truth and not built a dream around your weaknesses. The invisible weight training device that gives your heart hope. Painting a stroke with each devine truth, you create a masterpiece of you. A portrait that no one can place a price on. A portrait that cannot be reprinted.

Life and the illusion of thought.

I have a million questions going through my mind. What now? Am I strong enough? Am I really useful in this life? What does it mean to be sane? How will I make this day count? A million questions. But one answer I know for sure is that I'm not giving up. Nomatter what questions I have in my mind, I'm still on the verge of discovering truth. If I only just keep staying alive.

Dream of Reality

I knew he was right for me
I knew he was meant to be mine
and lonely days seemed lonelier when I glanced up at the sky
big and wide
the sky
My mind couldn't let go of him
I couldn't control the desire for my find
He was beautiful, gentlemanly and kind
I couldn't let go of him
in my mind
But he never gave me a reason to cross any line
He never knew me, that's why
but in my mind he was mine
my subconscious would uncover him in my sleep
dreaming of him was how his and I souls could meet
but with eyes wide open, no where was he
no never had he spoke my name
no never had I been his claim
so how can I be right for him
if he doesn't even know me to feel the same
The difference between my fantasy and reality
is that I still have his eyes to gain.
The difference between my fantasy and reality
is that choosing one over the other makes me sane.